July 2008


I truly cannot believe that no one in this house has stopped to ask what exactly is going on. It’s like God is staying in the guest bedroom, if you will. Since His arrival, we’ve all welcomed Him. Personally, I’ve had some good conversations with Him. I can’t tell you whether or not He’s spoken to the other two, but John has been on his best behavior since He arrived, and Matt has been hanging out trying to catch of glimpse of Him when He’s out of His room. So, I guess we could call Him the “elephant in the room”, but doesn’t God in the guest room sound better?

I guess this needs a little further explanation. The Lord (I think as a result of my bidding) has profoundly affected the tone of our house. John is, Praise God!, suddenly calmer, less angry and more interested in our family. I am finally finding joy in things, in the everyday, in my children’s laughs, in a joke- in the way I used to long ago before I started fogging up my mind and heart. I cannot tell you how immeasurably glorious this is. I understand what it means to be a “new being in Christ”, honestly, experientially, and it is wonderful.

I am learning to pray. I have asked God for help, because I am getting the feeling it is not a spiritual gift I was blessed with. But, even with my pathetic attempts, God has already started showing me His glory. Like He was an old college friend whose visit has reminded us how pathetic our lives were before He visited, so I suggested He move in. I keep wanting to pat myself on the back for being the first one extending the invitation, but I know the true miracle, the true good deed, lied solely in His acceptance of it. So, yeah. Presently He’s hanging curtains and contemplating the most Feng Shui way to arrange His furniture.

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Today at 9:04 am, Christian was 9 years old.

I called him in the mountains. He called me back. I told him I missed him. There was a pause. He said “I miss you too.” It made my whole day. 🙂

It is so painfully obvious that I cannot believe it has eluded me this long. All that I have ever been searching for–that I thought I could find in a boy who thought he loved me, or at the end of the blunt, or even, heaven forbid! I had to muster it up from my own will–it has always been a desire for God. All those letters I wrote to some made up guy (with a real-life guy’s name attached) should have been addressed to Him. The longing in my heart for a perfect love, an all-encompassing feeling of joy, for the hole in my heart to be filled is not, despite what I’ve been told by various doctors and therapists, a twisted perverted mental disorter. It is a longing for God. Damn! That feeling I was always trying to attain on the next hit or the next line- it IS a real feeling, and it CAN be achieved sober- in fact, as purely intoxicating as it is, it should only be pursued that way. And seeking God to fill my needs doesn’t leave me feeling ashamed or with a bad taste in my mouth. I have spent a lot of time looking in all the wrong places. Had I just stood still it would have hit me then like it does now.

Experiencing God is the ultimate high.

Praying is like breathing, each prayer providing a tempo, a Godly rhythm, to the innermost workings of one’s soul. Inhaling, we pray for comfort or courage, purity or purification. We are asking the Lord for something, breathing in the Holy Spirit and with it the tiny seeds of those virtues we wish to obtain. These are the prayers that fill us, that take in the light, the peace, the wholeness that is God. Our spirits fill up with the air of godliness until we are overflowing and thus exhale. I can observe this glorious event every Sunday at church when we, as the body of Christ, attempt to give back to God, with much fervency and honesty, even the smallest piece of what He has given us. Nothing is fully sufficient, just as the air breathed out of our lungs does not sustain the life of any tree (or smallest sapling, for that matter.) God’s breath sustains ALL life, even the lives of the unrighteous, proud and unrepentant, they just do not know it…yet. It moved the waves in darkness before He placed us on this earth, and I am pretty certain it can and will outlast anything else. Yet, He has invited us into eternity, to share with Him, in His full glory that has, up to that point, been deliberately moderated and distributed.

Okay… I’m angry. I’ll admit it- I’m not perfect. Sometimes (very rarely, mind you) I just happen to give in to brief moments of anger and poutiness.

I’m angry at John. What he’s doing- separating himself from us with a tan evenflo gate, retreating into his dark cave and shutting us out- seems so blatantly selfish and hurtful. How can he behave in such a way? How much longer can I tolerate him living this way?

 

3:58 pm

Yep, my man is still in his man cave, BUT… the boys and I took a walk, Dalton took and nap, and I’m less angry.

UPDATE: I prayed and prayed (I love this praying thing) and did my best to give my angry, bitter, hurt feelings over to God and let Him have the control. I’m sure He’s happy that I now LET Him have control- heehee. Anyways, John took Keegan to Gamestop and has emerged from his man cave and out into the world. I’m not sure how long it will last, but I know this feeling of the Holy Spirit I have had lately is eternal, and I know there is so much falling down on me that its leaking onto him to. We’ll get there. And until then, I’ll pray.

7.3.08

I hoped this morning, with a whole 60 hrs sober (from nicotine), I would wake up refreshed, no longer thinking any crazy thoughs like “I want a cigarette”. But, no such luck- I woke up wanting a cigarette AGAIN. Please, Lord, give me the strength to overcome these nagging cravings, I know to serve You I am going to need all the strength I can muster.

Lord, please set me free of anything that is not of You.

CHANGE ME, LORD.

That thing happened again where a word (or image or analogy) comes into my head and later I find it in Scripture- this time with vomit which I found in Leviticus.

Today has been a glorious, simple day. I can so feel God’s presence with me, and it’s flowing into all areas of my life. I am so grateful that John is being pulled to seek the Lord more deeply now. I want so much for him to feel what I feel. I know God and His Holy Spirit are at work in John’s life- Oh, thank You, Lord, You always hear me.

The cysts are no longer on Brie’s baby’s head. Thank You, Lord. I prayed a lot about this.

John and I just had a wonderful evening. He has been gentler, softer around me for a day or day and a half- almost like God’s presence is covering both of us.

And… I haven’t smoked a cigarette in over 48 HOURS!!!! I know the Lord is helping me with this, what did the book call it?- incomparible strength. I can’t say I don’t want to smoke- I think about it all the time, I keep trying to convince myself that one or even half won’t hurt, but I know that road. I just counter the cravings with a prayer (plea, cry, whine, shout) at God to help me with or remove the craving. It’s working thus far, and I have a sneaking suspicion it isn’t going to fail me anytime soon.

So, THIS IS JOY!!!

Oh, and I think today was Day 5 of the Prayer of Jabez Experiment.

From 7.1.08

Yeehaw! It’s been 17 1/2 hours!

From earlier on 7.1.08

Okay, so I quit smoking-officially for 6 1/2 hours, and I can tell this is going to be a bumpy LONG road. But, I just can’t deny it, and the Holy Spirit has been pressing me about it. Because I smoke, and I hide it (which is really where the issue lies), everything else I do in my life feels fake. In Christ I want never again to have things in my life that I don’t want anyone to know, things that would convict me if used against me in court. As a Christian, I am called to lead a transparent life- how can I if I have this closet with a locked door in which I behave in a way totally different than I do in front of the windows?

So, I know the reasoning behind my quitting is eternally important, but DAMMIT I still have spent the majority of the day wanting a cigarette.

 

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